Another Excerpt

An Excerpt from a short Story I'm working on..... Let me know what you think..... THe premise is two best friends going into the Paris catacombs, and one of them gets possessed. I'm trying to work on my descriptions of gore, so let me know if you have any advice or criticisms on that.

"Eli, it's ME! Your friend!" Josiah screamed, his voice hoarse and gravelly. He attempted to shrink further away from "Elijah", or whatever it was that now owned his body, but he was backed against the wall of the tunnel. Stray bits of gravel crumbled onto his shoulders and he whimpered in fear.

Elijah, now covered in blood, his face a twisted mess of cartilage, teeth, and hair, limped closer towards Josiah, the flashlight hanging from his neck swung to and fro, catching Josiah's horrified face in its light every few moments. "PLEASE," cried Josiah, his throat stinging, "Please..." tears rolled down his cheeks, wet trails through the caked dirt and blood.

Elijah grabbed Josiah by the lapels, his movements unnatural and inhuman, and let out a horrifying snarl through what barely constituted as a mouth. Blood and mucus sprayed out of the orifice and onto Josiah's face. He was too worn out to scream anymore.

Elijah's face opened up, his teeth becoming sharp and plentiful, before he sunk them into Josiah's neck. Josiah let out an involuntary sound of pain, that barely registered as anything due to how worn out his voice was by now. The pain shot through his whole body, making him tense up, his legs giving out beneath him. He fell to the floor, as a horrible squelching sound followed the chunk of his neck being torn out, his tendons snapping, his arteries gushing and spraying blood all over.

After a moment, Josiah was unconscious, the blood loss too great for him to keep himself awake any longer. Elijah crunched the flesh in his mouth, sounding like a dog tearing apart and chewing up a carcass, before tilting his head up to swallow the viscera. With shaking, feverish hands, he tore Josia's shirt open, and went in for another bite.

this happened to me once

monkeybone2001 wrote:this happened to me once

Would you say I captured the experience accurately?

wow…. what a beautiful description of gore…. i enjoy how you’ve described the scene, especially Elijah’s now grotesque form. excellent work once again.

Thank you, Jett. I always look forward to seeing your comments.

[quote="Simon0Geek"
Would you say I captured the experience accurately? [/quote]
yeah exactly like that. gruesome bro it brought back memories of the good ol days. i cried

duuuuuude this is hella inspiring *_* can u describe how the characters look... i wanna draw something

d34thn0t3luvr wrote:duuuuuude this is hella inspiring *_* can u describe how the characters look... i wanna draw something

Really??? That's incredibly exciting! I've never had someone draw from my writing before..... I've tried myself, but I'm not so much of a visual artist......

To be honest I hadn't given their appearance too much thought..... The only thing that's relevant is that Josiah has short hair, and Elijah has long hair that is in a ponytail at the start of the story, but the elastic holding it up gets torn out during his initial possession. Also, the story takes place in 2004....

Other than that, I give you the artistic reins.....

i had so much fun w this i hope u like it ^-^

Spoiler:

Oh, wow!!! Thank you so very much, Vial! This is gorgeous artwork I am beyond ecstatic that you were spurred to draw this from my writing..... I love your interpretation of the characters..... You really brought them to life...... This is incredible.....

d34thn0t3luvr wrote:

Spoiler:

dudee what the fuck this goes so hard

oh my Scythe…. this is incredible work… your use of shading and value is superb! i must admit this piece is a delight to the senses, and its quite inspiring me to do some dramatic pieces of my own… >

thanks guys ^-^

I think you captured what you set out to do well. You overall did a good job of painting strong mental pictures of gore. My biggest criticism is "sounding like a dog tearing apart and chewing up a carcass". You just said it sounded like a different creature preforming the same task. An inefficient simile in my opinion and considering Elijah being eaten is the main point it's an unfortunate place to be clunky. The concept of likening it to the sensory nightmare that is animals eating is a good one, I would just find a better way to word it. If that's the climax you'd want to be as vivid as possible.

crudelittlewoodenidols wrote:I think you captured what you set out to do well. You overall did a good job of painting strong mental pictures of gore. My biggest criticism is "sounding like a dog tearing apart and chewing up a carcass". You just said it sounded like a different creature preforming the same task. An inefficient simile in my opinion and considering Elijah being eaten is the main point it's an unfortunate place to be clunky. The concept of likening it to the sensory nightmare that is animals eating is a good one, I would just find a better way to word it. If that's the climax you'd want to be as vivid as possible.  

Thank you for the criticism...... I will take this into account......